Verti Marte: Is It Worth It?

An All That Jazz at Verti Marte

Just about any internet message board that remotely references the French Quarter will include a suggestion to "Hit up Verti Marte for the best po-boys in town." This desire to feed an intoxicated stomach filled to the brim with red tinged punch or ectoplasm hued Hand Grenades is as old as drinking itself. The Italians have a tradition of midnight pasta, the British fish and chips, the French, a pack of cigarettes. The French Quarter's late night sponge food of choice is an All That Jazz at Verti Marte.

Like Rocky and Carlos, Verti Marte has bounced back from a kitchen closing fire. The deli has been spruced up. Well wishers marked up the plywood which covered the doors during the remodel with good tidings, and these get well soon placards now hang on the wall. Order at the back counter, pay up front. Cash only. ATM in the corner.

A stunning array of food is on offer at Verti Marte. Po Boys, sandwiches, rib lunch plates, stuffed this, baked that, sides, salads, chips, macaroni and cheese, and beer. An All That Jazz, a Royal Feast, macaroni and cheese, and two waters. How a place like Verti Marte does not sell non-diet Barq's Root Beer is a mystery to me.

The macaroni and cheese uses thin strands of linguine in place of the typical elbow macaroni. I can't say this makes a better macaroni and cheese. Rather than clinging to the bechamel, the thin strands of pasta slip through the sauce. The result is a puddle of watery queso at the bottom of a Styrofoam container.

All That Jazz is a cacophony of flavors, textures, and temperatures. Grilled ham, shrimp, turkey share a loaf with two types of cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes, and Wow sauce. The po boy manages to taste like nothing and everything at the same time barely achieving some sort of Buddhist enlightened state. Reaching nirvana may be a laudable goal, but not for a po boy. At the end of the day, an All That Jazz, just is not all that.

The Royal Feast is just a disappointing sandwich to try and eat sober. Again here comes a trifecta of grilled lunch meats, more melted cheese, canned slices of black olives, grilled onions, and more Wow sauce. A few bites in and the saltiness of all the components will make you wish you were drunk.

Shows how much the internet knows.

Verti Marte: Is It Worth It? If drunk, perhaps. If not, no.
1201 Royal Street
525-4767

An Evening With Anthony Bourdain

Last Thursday I was one of the many who heard Anthony Bourdain speak at the Mahalia Jackson Theater. We scored 4 seats on Row E in the orchestra, from where The Folk Singer took this picture. The Pope and the Battle House Honey completed my foursome.

Though there was no intermission, the event was effectually divided into two parts: (1) Bourdain's "speech" and (2) a Q&A session with the audience. After a brief introduction by someone whose name I don't recall, Bourdain appeared from behind the curtain - Abita Amber in hand - and just started talking. His delivery seemed shoot-from-the-hip, but he occasionally glanced at his notes on the podium. The Q&A session consisted mostly of individuals ingratiating themselves over "hitchhiking through Bolivia" and other culinary or worldy lifetime milestones.

While it was a different experience than when I met him, I very much enjoyed the event. He delivered several memorable quotes, some of which I have reproduced below for your reading pleasure. I left the show early to catch the 2nd half of the BCS Championship Game, so if you were there and remember anything worthwhile that I may have missed, please feel free to add them in the comments.

• On Sandra Lee - The most frightening moment of my life? Meeting Sandra Lee. I'm standing there talking to someone, and I feel this cold hand on my lower back and hear, 'You've been a bad boy.' It didn't help that her boyfriend Andrew Cuomo, the New York State Attorney General, was standing right behind her.... Do yourself a favor and google 'Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake.' Ron Jeremy has never done such a thing in his life.


• On Guy Fieri - Take the douche glasses off the back of your neck.


• On Ina Garten - I like Ina.... I don't want to spend the weekend at Ina's house, but, man, can she roast a chicken.


• On Andrew Zimmern - We have a lot in common. For example, he was a junkie; I was a junkie.


• On Iron Chef America - You have these great chefs making this great f*cking food and then who's judging? Criss Angel: Mind Douche.


• On Judging Top Chef - After eating scallops in butterscotch sauce, I said: 'This tastes like I've been felching Mrs. Butterworth'.... Tom Colicchio keeps it totally honest.... It sometimes takes 3 hours to judge the final round.... Underneath the table there are shaker size glasses of gin and tonics, and the weed is pretty good there too.


• On Cooking At Home - I look to cook pasta. Spaghetti pormodoro.


• On Nutmeg - Written permission should be required before any cook is allowed to use it.


• On His Personality - I've been talking shit since I was a kid.


• On His Wife's Italian Heritage - The only thing that Italians hate more than Americans is Italians from the next village over.


• On Eating While Traveling - You can't plan the perfect meal. It just happens. And it's never going to happen if you don't accept the fact that things are going to wrong sometimes.


• On 'No Reservations' - I am destroying paradise by visiting it.


• In Response to a Request for Support of the Edible Schoolyard - I don't know if I want my children spending all of their time in the garden. I think they should be learning engineering and world domination.


• On What He Ate That Day - Someone put two Hubig's pies in my room. I had the choice between apple and sweet potato. [He chose poorly.]


• On What He Would Be Eating That Night - I'm calling in an order to Verti Marte.


• On Filming Food TV - We're not like everybody else. We show up early. We eat. We're drinking the local hooch. And by the time we start shooting, we're all friends. I tell them, 'Look, we're not alcoholic's. We're television f*cking professionals.'