The Manifesto: Part 5

As you can probably tell from my recent posts, I have been eating a lot of sushi lately. One of my favorite intricacies about dining at a Japanese restaurant is eating at the sushi bar. I like to see what the chefs are making, ask them what is fresh, and work my way from there. My word in the Japanese language may be "omakase" - which roughly translates to "it's up to you" (or "feed me"). However, there are a few reasons why I absolutely hate eating at the sushi bar. Here are the cardinal sins of sushi bar etiquette.

It's close to 9:00 pm on a Wednesday night. The Folk Singer and I walk into Little Tokyo on N. Carrolton. Because we arrive so near to closing time, we decide to eat at the sushi bar. There are 11 seats at the bar - 6 on the left, a support column in between, and 5 on the right. On the left-hand side, there are 2 younger guys who have chosen to sit in the middle 2 seats (so that there are 2 empty seats on either side of them). On the right-hand side, an older woman has decided to plop herself right smack in the middle seat, so that she too has 2 empty seats on either side. Seriously, people. Why not sit closer to the end so as to leave some space? And I know that the 2 guys had just been seated (because they had not yet ordered), so an excuse of "there was nowhere else to sit" is not available.

So we decide to sit next to the guys (for a reason which will be discussed later). Do they decide to slide over? Nope. So there we sit. All 4 of us. On top of each other. We might as well have been dipping our fish in the same soy sauce. If you can give your neighbor some space at the sushi bar, by all means do. It's not like you are moving tables, thus taking tips away from a server. But if you do change seats, try to leave two empty seats if you can. There is nothing more frustrating than looking for two seats at the sushi bar and seeing only multiple singles.

Why did we choose to sit next to the 2 guys? Because the woman sitting alone was loudly chatting on her cell phone (and continued to do so during our entire meal). I don't want to hear about your sister's new boyfriend while I am eating my seaweed salad. Eavesdropping at the sushi bar is inevitable, but let's still try to use our "inside voices." And along those same lines, please don't discuss your failing marriage or your financial hardship at the sushi bar. I have an idea: wait for a table.

The Manifesto: Part 4

Ever walk into a restaurant and stand around? All the other diners look at you and snicker constantly. You think maybe my fly is down, did I forget a belt again, is Lady's slip showing? 1 minute feels like an eternity. You are tempted to run out screaming and crying, only finally someone shows up to either ask "what are you doing here" or tells you "sit where you like."

I absolutely hate standing around like an idiot. It happens enough when I am not dining out. Give me a hostess stand please or at least a sign. Tell me what to do, where to sit, and reassure me that "my waiter will be right right with me."

Is that really too much to ask? If you own a restaurant where food is not ordered and delivered over a counter, then you must have a host/hostess. Simple as that.

The Manifesto: Part 3

Restaurant Impotence.

The menu, setting, service produce great expectations and then the meal (or overall experience) falls flat. Usually this restaurant whiskey dick occurs later in the evening. The cooks are hot and tired, the servers aching, and quite franky, the diner is fatigued. What results is an experience that failed to satisfy.

I usually tell myself after experiences with edible disfunction "don't worry it happens to everyone."

NOTE: Recap of last evening's Spirited Dinner at Stella (overall birdie range) and our lunch with the 5000th visitor coming soon.

The Manifesto: Part 2

I love the taste of New Orleans tap water. Sure that may sound insane, but in reality if you drink bottled water you are killing polar bears. I can't stand this query from a waiter (or some variation of it), "Would you like sparkling or still water?"

Listen, restaurant, I am well aware that you probably have bottled water available for purchase. Quite frankly I did not come here to get my recommended daily allotment of hydro. I came here to eat and drink. Just bring me some tap water, on ice. If there is an overwhelming desire for bottled water by either myself or someone at the table, we will let you know.

Even better are idiots who request bottled water and a glass of ice. Usually there rationale is they "cant stand the taste of tap water/tap water is gross/look how sophisticated I am with Evian." Remember Evian spelled backwards is Naive.*



*I heard this one time from a comedian. Or maybe it was nothing.

The Manifesto: Part 1

We all have things that turn us off about restaurants. Clues, tells, slights that despite our best attempts to move on, sorrow the enjoyment of dining out. For the next few days/weeks, Blackened Out will present its pet peeves with restaurants. Rather than one long complaining diatribe, we will break up the complaints. If you have a suggestion, please email us.

Number 1: Concept Restaurants
If your menu has an opening paragraph discussing how the owners hatched the "concept" for this restaurant while white water rafting through the Costa Rican rainforest and snacking on granola and river trout, you just might be a concept restaurant. I am all for restaurants having an identity, a soul; what I can not stand is something that is so obviously geared to a specific market oriented audience.

You want to make the best wings around? Great! You want to devliver them to the table by a bio-fueled robot who dispenses dipping sauces based on the type of music on the diner's ipod? Try again.

Japanese Fusion mixed with Creole ingredients has about as much appeal as a proctology appointment. Another Spanish Tapas/Vodka Bar, that is about as welcome as a fart in a sauna.

Luckily, New Orleans is spared this non-consensual assault on good taste. But the rest of America is under attack from these conceptual connundrums.

I got a good concept restaurant idea. Excellent food, efficient, friendly service, and comfortable surroundings; lets perfect that concept first.