Highway Robbery

Occurred last Saturday at the New Orleans Bar & Grille. I was told by more knowledgeable and sage men not to participate in this sham operation "You will make a great dish and lose to a crawfish boil and some dude pouring Miller Lite down an Ice Luge." Well, as the jackass in the briar patch says, "Look before you leap."

First course: Grilled halloumi cheese on toasted pita bread with a strawberry, mint, and balsamic salsa. This simple explosion of the flavors of spring was no match for the awesome power of Mrs. Paul's fish sticks.

Second course: "Red Beans and Rice" as savory rice calas over a red bean puree with a horseradish brown mustard emulsion. Here is a pic.

We entered the above in the category of Most Creative. Now be honest dear readers, you have never seen red beans and rice served like this have you? That's creative or my name is Conformity. Well, it lost to crab beignets. Wow. Crab beignets have only been around for about 15 years. Who wins Most Creative next year, blackened redfish?

I'm so sorry to blow your fu%king mind judges, with such innovative twists on local cuisine, but I thought you could handle it. I guess I should have used my hands to make quotation marks when I described the dish. You know like how your companions do when they describe you as a friend to other people. Don't you fools know that quotation marks is restaurant code for watch out for the originality train?

Dessert was homemade peanut butter ice cream with a bacon praline chip and a bruleed banana, a/k/a "The Elvis." We lost to bread pudding, sponge cake, and white chocolate mousse. Injustice at a bar association function? That is like modesty at a strip club. No wonder people hate lawyers. I do too.

Section123SaintsFan and his cohorts won best overall. This stirring endorsement of their offerings by 123Fan shows they deserved to win, "Yeah we totally mailed it in this year. Some pecan bites or crap like that and Firefly Ice Tea Vodka. We do not stand a chance. Your food though is awesome."

I'm bitter, yes. But I have learned from my lesson. Next year, I am playing to the judges. Sliced Vienna Sausages on Saltines with French's mustard and a pickle, Circus Peanuts, and water from Cancun's municipal water supply. Say hello to my little friend, dysentery.

Photos courtesy of She La. Bah Humbug, plebes.

Dear Santa

Santa,
I have chosen to write to you now for much the same reason I give wedding presents a year late. 1) I figure no one is writing you now, so a letter from me would be most appreciated and remembered more than the loads of letters you get near Christmas 2) I like to give you time to relax after such a stressful season before reminding you of the next one 3) the pressure of picking out a gift is much less when the deadline has already been missed.

Plus with everyone giving all this attention to this Patrick, Saint dude, I figured you were lonely and drunk. Which has always been a good time for me to get things I wanted. The iron is hot and I am striking.

Listen, I only desire one thing for Christmas this year. Its a little strange, but easily one of the sexiest things I have seen in a while. Look here. Is that not the coolest thing you have ever seen? Well besides Earth from the seat of a reindeer powered shuttle as you hurtle through space.

Granted, installation may be difficult in New Orleans, but I would gladly give up a bathroom for a wine cellar with a hidden door! Just think of the exercise I could get walking up and down those steps to select intoxicating bottles of pleasure. And the party tricks would never end. Section 123 Saints Fan sent it to me, and he knows a thing or two about the price of tea in China.

In other wine news, please send me a case of 2007 Alfredo Roca Pinot Noirs. Just when Pinots were approaching the same boring status Chardonnay held 5 years ago, this one came along and impressed me. Seven out of ten Pinots surveyed for this article were cloying, uninspired fruit bombs that tasted like cabernets in drag.

Made in Argentina in a Burgundian style, the nose is floral and violets, the taste elegant, and the finish durable. None of that Coca-Cola syrup infected, Penny Noir from California, this wine goes equally well with grilled turkey breasts or just casual back porch sipping. And at around $12 a bottle, a damn fine value. Available at Cork & Bottle and other fine purveyors.

Thanks Santa and remember, Asalamalakum.

P.S. I think a lot of people will ask you for Hogs for the Cause T-Shirts this year. If so, you can find them here.

Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuke, I Am Your Lunch

Finally. Peter returned to New Orleans recently. We owed Section 123 Saints Fan a lunch to celebrate him being the 10,000th visitor to El Blogo Diablo. We went to Luke. Somehow the Pope joined us and we even had a sighting of the Deli King.

We started as all meals should, with a round of Heiner Brau Pilsners and an order of Berkshire Pork Rillettes. The pig who was sacrificed for this delicious spread grew up in one of the most peaceful settings you can imagine: behind La Provence in Lacombe, they wallow around in a huge mud pit, their fat billowing out like an over inflated weather balloon, and get fed scraps from the kitchen. These are some happy pigs, and that life of luxury produces a very good rillette.

Next, a cold dozen raw of P&J Oysters served on the 1/2 shell with horseradish, cocktail sauce, and two types of remoulade. These buggers were juicy and cold; truly oysters get no better than this time of year.

Section 123 Saints Fan chose the Croque Madame - a ham and cheese sandwich topped with a Mornay sauce and a perfectly fried egg. You see that egg yolk dropping over the side of the sandwich like the world's slowest moving and most delicious waterfall? That is food art. You can thank Peter for all these photogs. Section 123 disappointed all by only eating half. He then followed up our insults by saying, "F&*kers, I ate at Herbsaint last night and I am eating at August tonight. I don't need to be a fat ass right now."

That my friends is called the Trifecta.

The Pope dove right into his pressed cochon de lait sandwich. The fries on the right were last seen fighting for their life with The Pope's index finger and incisors. If you have any information of their whereabouts, please contact Crime Stoppers.
I went with the Thursday Special. A Lamb Ragu with homemade pappardelle, gremolata, Parmesan, pickled radishes, and toasted almonds. A cup of matzo ball soup preceded this perfectly cooked pasta dish.
And finally the Resistance Piece. The order by which all others are judged. I present to you the first photographic evidence of cholesterol in its natural state...The Luke Burger.

An onion roll, lettuce, tomato, sauteed mushrooms and onions, Emmentaler Cheese, crack-cocaine, perfectly cooked beef, ohh and just for good measure, some bacon.

And remember dear readers, if you are the 20,000th visitor to the Blog, lunch is on us. And we will even let you pick which blog character to bring along. Consider it a cooler version of Breakfast with Disney Characters.*


*Which by the way is a scam. I remember going when I was a kid. I desperately wanted a picture with both Chip and Dale. Only Disney was cheap back then and hired just one guy to play both and only had one costume. I threw what can only be described as a shit storm meets a temper tantrum topped with a conniption fit (i.e. The Perfect Toddler Storm). And that is why to this day, I am not allowed on any Disney properties.

And the loser is

Thanks to all who attempted to be the 10,000th visitor to El Blog Diablo. After a careful and exhaustive auditing process by Anderson Consulting to determine who in fact won the race, the selection committee, chaired by Ed Hochuli, has determined that the winner of an all expenses paid lunch with Peter and Rene is Section 123 Saints Fan.

Someone once said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation and nothing sums up our winner in more succinct terms than this quote. Upon learning of his privilege, Section 123 remarked, "I knew all those hours which could have been spent working were not for naught. This is truly the proudest day of my life. Im pumped. Kickass."

He then asked if he could wear Jorts and a vintage Saints shirt (tied in a knot on the side). He also wanted to eat at Champions in Lakeside Mall. Mostly because he wants to kick field goals in between the soup course and the shellfish amuse. You won buddy you can wear anything you like.

Congrats Section 123 Fan and let us remind you that fifteen minutes can sometimes feel like an eternity.

We love our fan(s). No other blog can say that. We challenge any other blog to show the type of borderline stalking, Cape Fear, "that sure is a purty mouth boy" devotion to their fans as BlackenedOut devotes to its fans.

This Little Piggy Went to Cochon...

On a recent firm field trip, I along with several others dined at Cochon. Beside free lunch on the firm, another lagniappe on this outing was the inclusion of Section 123 Saints Fan ("SSF") in our little group, which in the end proved to pay dividends well beyond the enjoyment of his trademark wit and appreciation for his use of the Blackenedout rating system.

Our first dilemma manifested when it came time for ordering appetizers. There were 9 in our group, but a total of 12 starters on the menu (6 small plates and 6 boucherie). Despite suggestions to limit the number of appetizers to the number of diners, SSF took control of the situation and ordered all 12. Well done, sir. Well done.

Once the array of small plates arrived, we were treated to a magnificent display of all things porcine. I think one of our fellow diners put it best: "I think that if we put together all of our appetizers, we could probably reconstruct an entire pig." My favorites were the spicy grilled pork ribs (with the meat nearly falling off the bone), the fried pig ears (yeah, you read that right), and the fried alligator (bite sized morsels tossed in chili garlic aioli - delicious). The oyster roast and hot sausage never made it down to my end of the table (freaking vultures), but I was not too upset because I had already tasted both of those on prior occasions.

Why, oh why, did I not order the cochon for my entree? I honestly don't know. But something came over me when the waiter asked for my entree, and I decided on the smoked brisket. It was awesome. The beef was meltingly tender, served in a pool of au jus, and accompanied by a sharp horseradish potato salad. SSF got the cochon, but he was envious of Da Bruce's rabbit and dumplings. So he took a bite... and then proceeded to scald 90% of the taste buds on his tongue.*

Everyone was too full for dessert. I probably could have taken down a slice of pineapple upside down cake were it not for the half dozen rolls I ate, but I like to at least give off the impression that I have self control. The lukewarm reception to someone's suggestion of a round of moonshine as a digestif meant that it was time to head back to the office. I guess that (contrary to popular belief) these lunches really don't pay for themselves after all....

Cochon - Eagle on a relatively short par 5, but with the opportunity for a double eagle if you "go for the green in 2" by ordering all 12 appetizers.

*Rule #76 when dining out: If your food is served steaming in a cast iron skillet, probably a good idea to let it cool for a few minutes before tasting it.