Diners, Drive-Ins, and Identity Theft

Authorities with the New Orleans Police Department have confirmed that Robert "The Dread Pirate" Peyton, a 41 year old self-styled "foodie blogger," has become a person of interest in conjunction with a plot to steal the identity of one Guy Fieri (pronounced "Fee Etti).

Mr. Fieri, seen right, is a Food Network personality of the highest order. He has 4 or 5 immensely popular television shows on the network including his most famous, Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, a series which follows Mr. Fieri on an exploration of deep taste across the country.

Mr. Peyton, who writes for the equally popular Appetites.us, has also made a career out of traveling to restaurants, eating food, and asking questions such as: "Whats the dealio on this dish, yo?" and "You got a license for this hot rod of haute cuisine?"

Sgt. Marlin Defillo, a spokesman for the NOPD, confirmed that the investigation into Mr. Peyton's identity theft scheme unraveled very quickly. "We first got reports of a middle-aged man with spiky blonde hair and pinky rings asking cooks how he could get a ride on the 'Flavor Town Express.' At first we were excited that a place like P&G could be profiled on the Food Network. But then we discovered it was an impostor."

Mr. Peyton speaking through his attorney, himself, issued this very carefully worded statement, "Listen, no matter what anyone says I am the Commissioner of Major League Cooking, the Mayor of Flavor Town, Ambassador to the Isle of Bomb.com, Captain Kirk of the USS Epicurious, Conductor of the Taste Bud Railway, Chief Architect of the Building formerly known as the I.M. Delicious Museum of Modern food , and all other titles granted to me by me which connote authority on my palate alone."

Another trademark of Mr. Fieri that Mr. Peyton has copied is the extensive use of hair gel, jewelry, and 60's style bowling shirts. Sandra Lee, speaking for Mr. Fieri, discussed his unique wardrobe thusly, "After carefully screening thousands of Americans who enjoy my cooking shows, we felt it was important to give Guy an edgy look. Something to make you think of that skateboarding/surfing meth salesman you slept with after one too many Cosmoritas at Senor Charlie's in Cancun. Well, without, the awful rash that develops."

Mr. Peyton, shown here in a picture taken last week, vows he will continue to showcase the best examples of truffle oil doused, banh mi flavored pizzas that "rock around the proverbial house while making sure that there ain't no slouches leaving on this gravy train to Awesomeville" (in falsetto).

He then added his signature line, "That's off the chain like a dog feeling no pain riding a train across the rainless plains of central Spain, ya heard me?"