The Hangover: A Guide

If it wasn't for hangovers most of us would be drunk all the time. I remember in college we all used to laugh at Legend when it took him 2-3 days to recover from drinking. Well, you know what they say about looking at those who laugh inside of glass houses.

A hangover has a natural and painfully slow progression. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday; an incredibly notorious 24 hour period fraught with hangovers of all shapes and sizes. Here, I have compiled the 12 steps of my routine battles with this necessary aggravation.

#1 The mind races as I wake up. "Holy shit where the hell am I? Why am I wearing a pair of snow boots? Is this a couch or the backseat of a Greyhound bus? Did I piss myself? Crap...even worse."

#2 Rationalization time. Maybe I go walk the dogs, make coffee, or read the paper. Basically I do something mundane without catching myself on fire. Following this accomplishment I tell myself and anyone that will listen, "Sweet. I got drunk last night, but I don't feel hungover."

#3 Spoke to soon asshole. Dammit, here it comes. The room begins to spin and my stomach makes noises akin to those heard by the Polish on September 1, 1939. "But what about our non-aggression pact, dear body, come on please don't destroy me today, I have work."

#4 Just a little bit of caffeine/Gatorade/water and I'll be fine. Nope, wrong again. Sure an ice cold coke, a coffee, or some X-Factor seems like a good idea, but all it will really do is throw my digestive system into disarray. We asked Buckethead, the resident and official physician of Blackened Out for his medical advice on this issue. Here is his response, "Get back in bed as fast as possible. See no light and only drink water directly from the bathroom faucet." Wow, 100K in tuition for that diagnosis.

#5 Clammy Hands. When my hands look and feel like grandma's, this is a very bad sign.

#6 Hot Flashes. And you thought these were just for women over child bearing age did you? Nope here it comes, my body temperature will soar to unprecedented heights. Must be climate change, not the 14 Flaming Dr. Peppers, I tell myself.

#7 Its freezing. Fifteen minutes after the heat wave, its now minus fifteen degrees (without the wind chill). If I am lucky, I am laying on the couch at home and have a blanket nearby. But most likely this happens when you are in your office, on a plane, or some other place where you have no control over the ambient temp. I go one leg in the blanket and one leg out. You should also, unless you want to repeat Steps 6 and 7 for at least two hours.

#8 I am F&*%ing starving! I need to eat. What should I eat? Ohhhh, I know a Thai flavored burger with a side of chocolate covered french fries, some corn on the cob and some vanilla ice cream. Or maybe I want a burrito stuffed with General Tso's chicken and a plate of potatoes from a crawfish boil. Does not matter, whatever you choose you will be disappointed. Which brings us to...

#9 Food arrives, eat two bites, and stop. Not hungry anymore. And I stupidly chose a grilled chicken garden salad and I know that shit does not hold well. I will be hungry again in 2 hours forcing me to eat 17 bags of Doritos and some leftover cake in the break room. Of course no matter what my palate was left for dead the night before when I took that fifth shot of Patron with a Jagr chaser. Gross, puke in mouth.

#10 Nap. Its near three o'clock and the eyelids fall.

#11 Email from buddy. "Dude, you were out of control last night. Remember when you bought the whole bar a shot?." Thanks jerk. I was just about to snap out of this and all of a sudden the moral guardsmen comes in and issues a citation for inappropriate behavior.

The moral hangover, don't mess around with that thing. So maybe it is true that your buddy's wife's sister looks like a garden gnome with an acne problem. You should keep that thought to yourself. Note: The person who sends these emails is usually that guy who is always around when everyone is drinking and making poor decisions but is usually just sipping on the same beer for 7 hours straight. He also claims to have never been hungover and usually he does things like runs marathons. He may be wise, but he also sucks. Drop him from your rotation.

#12 Home finally. Clothes smell like the bottom of a bartender's shoe, eyes are heavy, and the light at the end of the tunnel is a cop's flashlight. But fear not, the worst is over. I suggest pouring yourself a tall glass of dark, rich red wine and watching re runs of Full House.

You likely wont sleep a wink tonight. But by the following day when that email comes out saying, Drinks? you won't recoil in horror either. Never forget the immortal words of Francis Sinatra: "I feel bad for people who don't drink. Cause when they wake up that's the best they are going to feel all day."