Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tragedy Strikes Slow Food USA

San Francisco - The First Annual Slow Food USA International Salami Exposition began under clear blue skies. Master butchers, charcuteriers, and salami artisans worked diligently, their stubby fingers creating world class products from little more than scraps and intestinal lining. But 3 weeks later the festival had devolved into chaos, cannibalism, and carnage.

"It never occurred to us to have other food stuffs at a Slow Food Festival. Obviously we couldn't let corporate America in with their trans-fats and hydrogenated hubris. But then again no one took into account it takes an average of at least 8 weeks for a good salami to cure. Bottom line Slow Food just wasn't fast enough to save these peoples lives," said an emaciated Malice Waters, director of Slow Food USA.

Paramedics work to save the life of Ming Sigh from the devastating effects of Slow Food.

By the time the nitrites had worked their magic and turned pork into Salami, one hundred and twelve festival goers had succumbed to starvation. The remaining survivors had returned to a pre-Civilization mentality, hunting and gathering as best they could under the watchful gaze of a nearby Golden Arches.

One festival goer, Jeremiah Trotter journeyed from the festival after 7 days without food to find help. At a local 7-11 he stocked up on burritos, Fritos, Cheetos, Oreos and Lemon Jellos; really any food ending in o. When he returned with EMS and the aforementioned loot, Waters sent him away, chastising him for "compromising the values of Slow Food."

"It was really rough in there," explained a svelte Paul Prudham, "at one point I tried making a fricasse of wild heirloom grasses, a Burkenstock, and the left finger of a fellow Slow Food member from Germany who expired. But Malice said that wasn't cooking in season or using local products. When you stop and think about it, food miles are more important than saving lives, so I can't fault her for that."

Festival goers have plans in place for next year's event which will involve the making of an American version of 100 year old bird's nest soup and fattening a duck's liver. If you plan on attending keep January 3rd, 2010 through July 15, 2045 open. And eat before you go.


Shedd said...

I had no idea Trotter was a foodie. I would have guessed Dhani Jones. Learn something new everyday.

Anita said...

Nix the pix. Very poor taste.

Anonymous said...

the photo is really poor taste, buddy.

Anonymous said...

And anonymous judging isn't?