Friday, April 1, 2011

Isle of Denial Renamed Isle of Denial

After another step back for vibrant, mixed-use neighborhoods, the New Orleans City Council issued an edict renaming the Isle of Denial the Isle of Denial. "No longer will this area be known as the sliver of land unaffected by Katrina, but from here on out this portion of the city of New Orleans shall be called the 'Isle of Denial' in recognition of its refusal to grant anyone anything, unless it is supported by Mormons, football players, or people who used to be on the City Council," Arnie Fielkow announced in front of a captive, blue-haired audience.

The announcement came on the heels of another decision by the city council to fulfill its mission to serve as neighborhood watchmen and not actually govern the city. Yesterday at the New Orleans City Council, approximately 15-20 Uptowners implored the City Council to refuse the request of It the right to do It.

"I inherited this house from my grandmother in 1956. We are two blocks from Audubon Park and I am forced to pay property taxes of at least $200 a year. Back in '56 we had cafes, grocery stores, dry cleaners, you name it - all within a comfortable walking distance. Why you could stop in at Vagueich Bakery and Mr. Vagueich would always give you a bite of something sweet. The Patricks owned a nice respectable bar on the corner. We stopped all that from continuing. And now you want to put It here? No. Please, I implore you keep our neighborhood isolated from all commerce," said Myra Puddington.

While opposition to It was fierce, opinions differed as to what It was precisely. "Ohhh It is definitely a municipal airport capable of handling 568 flights a day. This is what Teddy Sabir told me, and I believe him," explained Kevin Nimby.

"No. It is a huge public mally thing that will sell discounted Pilates gear. I don't think anyone in New Orleans would want one of those next door," reflected Patricia Markson.

Markson continued at the hearing, asking the Council "Have you ever seen the people who 'do pilates'. They are white, wealthy, and drive nice cars. Most of them are college educated and almost all of them are WOMEN!!!! Not here. NOT NOW. NOT HERE. NOT NOW..." her voice trailing off into the cacophony of neighbors echoing her cry.

Councilwoman Susan Guidry offered consolations to the persons requesting It and said, "While I would love to see It in my district, the fact is this city has never supported ventures like It, and nowhere in the Master Plan is It mentioned. Plus the doors to It won't even be located on the corner of the building and I am told the windows in the 120 year old building are not compliant with post 2005 storm window standards. I am sorry, my hands really are tied."

Other members of the City Council rushed to request that It open in their districts. "Please come just 5 blocks away where It will be more than welcome in District B," said Stacy Head. When questioned Head along with other members of the council claimed never to have heard of the concept of what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.

A representative from the Landrieu administration, Mikal Herman offered this, "It will never be approved. For instance, some friends and I are opening an It just a few blocks away. There It can work, but here, It ain't gonna fly."

The City Council voted to deny It the permit. Only then was it revealed that It was actually just a request by residents of New Orleans East and Lakeview to enter abandoned neighboring properties to mow the grass and tidy the property for free. The request to deny was upheld.

"Thank God this city council stopped It, " exclaimed Markson, "but they really need to do something about all these blighted properties in town. I visited an in-law in Lakeview the other day and thought I was in the Wild West."

15 comments:

Nathan said...

Excellent!

Mary Sonnier said...

Hysterical, y'all are awesome!! Hahaha!!

Anonymous said...

Biting insight-as usual :)

Jean said...

Sounds just as ridicules as what happened to Gabrielle's on Henry Clay. OHHHH! That is what happened to Gabrielle's at The Uptowner. Life imitating the absurd! Genius!

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What n intriguing name. Isle of denial. So it was spared, huh? New Orleans is such a beautiful city and it has become stronger after Katrina.