An Evening With Anthony Bourdain

Last Thursday I was one of the many who heard Anthony Bourdain speak at the Mahalia Jackson Theater. We scored 4 seats on Row E in the orchestra, from where The Folk Singer took this picture. The Pope and the Battle House Honey completed my foursome.

Though there was no intermission, the event was effectually divided into two parts: (1) Bourdain's "speech" and (2) a Q&A session with the audience. After a brief introduction by someone whose name I don't recall, Bourdain appeared from behind the curtain - Abita Amber in hand - and just started talking. His delivery seemed shoot-from-the-hip, but he occasionally glanced at his notes on the podium. The Q&A session consisted mostly of individuals ingratiating themselves over "hitchhiking through Bolivia" and other culinary or worldy lifetime milestones.

While it was a different experience than when I met him, I very much enjoyed the event. He delivered several memorable quotes, some of which I have reproduced below for your reading pleasure. I left the show early to catch the 2nd half of the BCS Championship Game, so if you were there and remember anything worthwhile that I may have missed, please feel free to add them in the comments.

• On Sandra Lee - The most frightening moment of my life? Meeting Sandra Lee. I'm standing there talking to someone, and I feel this cold hand on my lower back and hear, 'You've been a bad boy.' It didn't help that her boyfriend Andrew Cuomo, the New York State Attorney General, was standing right behind her.... Do yourself a favor and google 'Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake.' Ron Jeremy has never done such a thing in his life.


• On Guy Fieri - Take the douche glasses off the back of your neck.


• On Ina Garten - I like Ina.... I don't want to spend the weekend at Ina's house, but, man, can she roast a chicken.


• On Andrew Zimmern - We have a lot in common. For example, he was a junkie; I was a junkie.


• On Iron Chef America - You have these great chefs making this great f*cking food and then who's judging? Criss Angel: Mind Douche.


• On Judging Top Chef - After eating scallops in butterscotch sauce, I said: 'This tastes like I've been felching Mrs. Butterworth'.... Tom Colicchio keeps it totally honest.... It sometimes takes 3 hours to judge the final round.... Underneath the table there are shaker size glasses of gin and tonics, and the weed is pretty good there too.


• On Cooking At Home - I look to cook pasta. Spaghetti pormodoro.


• On Nutmeg - Written permission should be required before any cook is allowed to use it.


• On His Personality - I've been talking shit since I was a kid.


• On His Wife's Italian Heritage - The only thing that Italians hate more than Americans is Italians from the next village over.


• On Eating While Traveling - You can't plan the perfect meal. It just happens. And it's never going to happen if you don't accept the fact that things are going to wrong sometimes.


• On 'No Reservations' - I am destroying paradise by visiting it.


• In Response to a Request for Support of the Edible Schoolyard - I don't know if I want my children spending all of their time in the garden. I think they should be learning engineering and world domination.


• On What He Ate That Day - Someone put two Hubig's pies in my room. I had the choice between apple and sweet potato. [He chose poorly.]


• On What He Would Be Eating That Night - I'm calling in an order to Verti Marte.


• On Filming Food TV - We're not like everybody else. We show up early. We eat. We're drinking the local hooch. And by the time we start shooting, we're all friends. I tell them, 'Look, we're not alcoholic's. We're television f*cking professionals.'