Monday, March 31, 2008

A Critique of a Restaurant Critic

We, the undersigned chefs of the greater New Orleans Area, have taken out this full page ad on Blackened Out to deride Tom Fitzmorris's Food Show on WSMB Radio. We find a list of grievances which we can no longer withhold from the public eye.

Issue #1: For over 20 years, Mr. Fitzmorris has assailed the eardrums of the local populace with his whiny voice. "It sounds like he is gargling frogs who have been smoking for over 50 years and have one of those voice box things. Yeah, voice boxed heavy smoking frogs being gargled, that is Tom's voice," said Chef John Besh.

"I have heard it said before that Mr. Fitzmorris has a 'face for radio' but I think a more apt description is that he has a voice for a typewriter," said Adolfo Garcia.

Be it resolved, Mr. Fitzmorris is required to take voice lessons from the ghost of Buddy D in order to make locals understand what he is saying.

Issue #2: Undercover research has revealed that Mr. Fitzmorris routinely chows down on plebian foodstuff such as Corndogs, Icees, and Krispy Kremes. How can a food critic in a city known for its diverse and unique foodstuffs deliver competent critiques of such food if his favorite meal is those rectangular sandwiches one picks up at Time-Saver?

For years, Mr. Fitzmorris has used his Dining Diary to cajole New Orleanians into trying foods he has never eaten. It is time to stop the lies, Tom. A Nation that holds dear the Freedom of the Press requires the Press to abide by its obligation to tell the truth.

"I tried to make a recipe from his 'New Orleans Cookbook' unfortunately Whole Foods did not stock Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Vienna Sausages, and Saltines to make Fitz's Quick Sausage and Chicken Gumbo with Saltine croûtons. So instead I made a delicate poached side of Salmon," lambasted Donald Link.

Be it resolved, Mr. Fitzmorris's Daily Dining Diary on nomenu.com will require photo documentation of any meals eaten. No longer will Fitz be able to call his meal of Doritos and Circus Peanuts as a "delightful blend of caramel ice cream with a sea salt demi-glace."

Issue #3: Mr. Fitzmorris constantly uses his bully pulpit to deride, dismiss, and destroy diners who choose to eat sans tie and jacket. Yet, have you ever seen how this guy dresses? Tabasco ties, Madras blazers, and blue denim button downs may have been fashionable at one time, but that was also before we discovered Rayon was flammable.

"Those in glass houses should not throw stones, Tom," chided Kevin Vizard, "and your fashion choices reveal a man living in an incredibly fragile abode."

Be it resolved, Mr. Fitzmorris may no longer deride diners for their choice of attire during dinner unless he gets a guest judging spot on Project Runway.

We write this on behalf of the citizenry of New Orleans who are crying out to critique you.

Love,

The Chefs, Cooks, Waiters, Bussers, Managers, Sommeliers, and Diners of New Orleans

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

But for the time-stamp, I'd swear these were Aprils Fools jokes