Listen Up, Fool

Your kitchen equipment sucks. Ok, ten percent of you do not need to read this post. Your kitchen equipment is passable. You have sharp knives, large cutting boards, and sturdy pots. Come back to Blackened Out tomorrow. But for the rest of you, or those who aren't sure if you are in the 10%, listen up, fool.

I have been in your kitchens and they make me wonder why you even spent money remodeling the space. No wonder you don't think you can cook. You can't cook because you do not have the right tools. Let me ask you this, if you hired a plumber and he came to your house with plastic wrenches and a matchbook, would you expect him to unclog your drain? If a doctor showed up at your surgery with a Swiss army knife and a bottle of ether, would you expect your appendectomy to go well? The answer is no. And the substandard tools you have in your kitchen make you look like a rube.

Take a look at your cutting board. Is it small, plastic, and scratched up? Throw it out. It is absolutely useless and harboring bacteria. I went in a kitchen recently with one cutting board in the whole kitchen that was no bigger than an outline of Rhode Island in a map of the world. Seriously, what the hell are your cabbage smelling hands going to cut on there? Liliputian leeks? Tiny tomatroes? Miniature mushrooms? Small satsumas? Find something wooden, heavy, and large, and lasting. You do realize that plastic's only usefulness in the kitchen is just for fake boobs, right?

Now onto your knives. They couldn't make the cut on well-groomed ski slope. Let me guess, you registered for a set on some wedding website. "Look honey, it has a butcher's knife, a serrated chef's knife, 14 steak knives, and three boning knives, all for $35.99. What a deal for Uncle Ernie." That is your first mistake, entrusting your crazy uncle with making sure you keep all of your fingers.

I wish I could tell you where you got your shoes at, because you are a sucker. If a knife, or better yet a knife set, costs less than filling up your gas tank, those knives couldn't cut the tension in a divorce proceeding. Go get yourself two knives - an 8 inch chef's knife and a pairing knife. They should NOT have a serrated edge, they should be sharp to the touch, and do not put them in the dishwasher. Does the knife feel balanced in your hand, without feeling light? Good. Together do the two knives costs less than $100 bucks? Find another knife. Wanna get crazy? Get a serrated bread knife and a boning knife, but that is just an extravagance.

Hey, you own a food processor? That is cool. They work for all sorts of things. They are good for making dough, crushing large amounts prep work, and making mayonnaise. Again, your food processor is probably a small one cup model. Maybe you bought it because it was "cute" or "practical". You would be wrong on both accounts. If your food processor can't fit at least eight cups of anything, you got hosed. Get rid of it.

Stop embarrassing yourself. You spent thousands of dollars on a kitchen so you could entertain and throw big dinner parties. You spend $200 on shoes or surround sound stereo systems. And you are going to skimp on the things that actually help you cook? How does that make any sense. Sack up, bite the bullet, and buy some good gear.

Now that you have a large, wooden cutting board and a good knife, it is time to learn knife skills. With enough practice you should be able to dice an onion in less time than it takes to plug in a food processor. I'll be back with more reasons your kitchen equipment sucks, but for now just get a bigger wooden cutting board, a sharper knife, and a larger food processor.