Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Listen Up, Fool


Your kitchen equipment sucks. Ok, ten percent of you do not need to read this post. Your kitchen equipment is passable. You have sharp knives, large cutting boards, and sturdy pots. Come back to Blackened Out tomorrow. But for the rest of you, or those who aren't sure if you are in the 10%, listen up, fool.

I have been in your kitchens and they make me wonder why you even spent money remodeling the space. No wonder you don't think you can cook. You can't cook because you do not have the right tools. Let me ask you this, if you hired a plumber and he came to your house with plastic wrenches and a matchbook, would you expect him to unclog your drain? If a doctor showed up at your surgery with a Swiss army knife and a bottle of ether, would you expect your appendectomy to go well? The answer is no. And the substandard tools you have in your kitchen make you look like a rube.

Take a look at your cutting board. Is it small, plastic, and scratched up? Throw it out. It is absolutely useless and harboring bacteria. I went in a kitchen recently with one cutting board in the whole kitchen that was no bigger than an outline of Rhode Island in a map of the world. Seriously, what the hell are your cabbage smelling hands going to cut on there? Liliputian leeks? Tiny tomatroes? Miniature mushrooms? Small satsumas? Find something wooden, heavy, and large, and lasting. You do realize that plastic's only usefulness in the kitchen is just for fake boobs, right?

Now onto your knives. They couldn't make the cut on well-groomed ski slope. Let me guess, you registered for a set on some wedding website. "Look honey, it has a butcher's knife, a serrated chef's knife, 14 steak knives, and three boning knives, all for $35.99. What a deal for Uncle Ernie." That is your first mistake, entrusting your crazy uncle with making sure you keep all of your fingers.

I wish I could tell you where you got your shoes at, because you are a sucker. If a knife, or better yet a knife set, costs less than filling up your gas tank, those knives couldn't cut the tension in a divorce proceeding. Go get yourself two knives - an 8 inch chef's knife and a pairing knife. They should NOT have a serrated edge, they should be sharp to the touch, and do not put them in the dishwasher. Does the knife feel balanced in your hand, without feeling light? Good. Together do the two knives costs less than $100 bucks? Find another knife. Wanna get crazy? Get a serrated bread knife and a boning knife, but that is just an extravagance.

Hey, you own a food processor? That is cool. They work for all sorts of things. They are good for making dough, crushing large amounts prep work, and making mayonnaise. Again, your food processor is probably a small one cup model. Maybe you bought it because it was "cute" or "practical". You would be wrong on both accounts. If your food processor can't fit at least eight cups of anything, you got hosed. Get rid of it.

Stop embarrassing yourself. You spent thousands of dollars on a kitchen so you could entertain and throw big dinner parties. You spend $200 on shoes or surround sound stereo systems. And you are going to skimp on the things that actually help you cook? How does that make any sense. Sack up, bite the bullet, and buy some good gear.

Now that you have a large, wooden cutting board and a good knife, it is time to learn knife skills. With enough practice you should be able to dice an onion in less time than it takes to plug in a food processor. I'll be back with more reasons your kitchen equipment sucks, but for now just get a bigger wooden cutting board, a sharper knife, and a larger food processor.

12 comments:

Celeste said...

Can I add one? If you bought a commercial-looking, high-BTU stove with electronic controls at the REAR of the cooking surface, you got hosed again. How ya gonna adjust the heat under a pot if you have to reach past a boiling stockpot? And how are those electronics gonna hold up after two or three years' proximity to chicken-frying grease? (Seriously, who buys a stove with REAR controls?)

Greg said...

Question - any suggestions on where to get a chef's knife sharpened? I use a steel almost every other time I chop, but would like to get get it done professionally, as I noticed a couple of nicks/bends on my blade last night.

Rene said...

Hey Greg,

If you are in New Orleans area, I would recommend the knife sharpener at the Saturday's Farmer's market on Girod and Magazine. That is who does mine.

If you are elsewhere, I'd check with your local farmer's market (or a restaurant you go to often) to see who they use.

willifred said...

Yes....the guy at the Crescent City Farmers Market did an old set of Laguiole steak knives I bought for a song. They were in fairly bad shape, but he made the blades good as new. Money well spent......

Big Onion said...

I don't necessarily agree with the comment on knives. Plenty of people have low cost knives that they've had for years. As long as you keep it sharp and treat it with some respect (unlike Bobby Flay on Iron Chef, who insulted Morimoto when he threw them down into the cutting board) they can last a good long time. My first "set" was a Cuisinart set that had 8 crappy steak knives and a handful of other useless knives. The chef's knife, however, is fantastic and holds a nice edge. My best knives are a Cutco set from the 70s I inherited from my grandfather that I just recently had completely refurbished, but I still like my Cuisinart chef's knife for daily tasks. I think spending hundreds of dollars on a knife is a waste of money, but that's my opinion.

As for sharpening, I think it's also worth learning how to sharpen your own, and learn to properly use a honing steel to keep a nice edge.

Everything else, right on. My best cutting board is a square of hardwood (cherry, maybe?) my father cut, beveled and sanded for me. I've had it for over a decade, and it's outlasted a number of crappy plastic ones. I don't always treat it well, but it's stood up to about 5 years of laziness (sticking it in the dishwasher).

Becky said...

You forgot the number one most important factor for improving home cooking: truffle oil.

Tiare said...

You got that right. Well, the knife doesn´t have to be the most expensive but neither too cheap. I`ve had the same two knifes for almost 10 years now and they still going strong.I have more than those two knives but they are the ones i mainly use. Got the big cutting board too but i still need that food processor..

Brian C said...

Rene,

What do you tell folks like me who have too much crap? I can not walk around in my kitchen because my lovely wife and I are food fanatics. 1/2 horsepower kitchenaids, 1 gallon food processors, 57 pieces of black iron. A butcher block table in the middle of the kitchen. Oh, by the way, my favorite knife is a Dexter Russell chef's knife that I bought from the restaurant supply for 14 bucks. I think we need an intervention. I won't mention the 6 grills/smokers that I have.

BC

fump and manny's said...

I was just about to say that unlike you guys, not all my animals come from rare cuts. I usually harvest a few hundred birds a year and thousands of fish, and I'll trade something for a pig and a deer. As such, i do a lot of knife work. My kitchen knife block is wustoff's, but in all honesty the big dexter russels that are in my boat and truck are really much nicer knives. They handle like a dream, hold an edge, don't rust even when left in a boat for a month, and when they do wear out I relegate them to utility use for sawing on mardi gras ladders, cutting into locked porta potties, and making white boots into white clogs. And you do need a serrated edge one. the dexter tiger tooth serrated might be my all around favorite cutting implement, with the bandsaw in my garage coming in a close second.

Rene said...

Don't get me wrong I have my fair share of Dexter's. As you mentioned they are very easy to put a sharp edge on. I would much rather work with a Dexter in an away kitchen, then the crap they usually have.

But most people spend tens of thousands of dollars on a kitchen remodel, and somehow don't have enough money for a decent knife and big cutting board? Be it Dexter, Henckels, or anything remotely competent. That I don't get.

Steve said...

You are so right. I wonder how many people think they don't like to cook because they struggle with crappy knives. $30 spent on junk is like setting money on fire; $100 spent on quality is trivial when you consider a good knife will last forever. By the way, nice photo. From your high school days? You were ripped, dude. What happened?

Rene said...

Steve,

I definitely didn't look like that in high school, but you were in high school when Mr. T was cool. I think I might have still been in diapers. But thanks for playing old balls.