Thanksgiving Checklist

You may or may not know this, but a week from now the single greatest American holiday will be upon us. Thanksgiving, that celebration of the Pilgrims seeing their shadow and getting six more weeks of winter, is as American as threatening to leave if your presidential candidate loses. Now some of you will use Holy Thursday as an opportunity to eat out. That is certainly your Second Amendment right, and if so, you can stop reading.

For the rest of you, this is a strategic gameplan to help make America's birthday as enjoyable as possible.

1. You are going to be rushed. There is just no way around this. You will wake up with the best intentions, but then the oven acts up or cousin Larry shows up an hour early, and suddenly you are scrambling. Solution: You have all weekend to do those little prep jobs that are tedious but necessary. Making green beans? Blanch them, drain, and pop in the fridge. Need stock for stuffing, gravy, Bloody Bulls (you do)? You have all weekend to let bones simmer on the stove. Cranking pepper can put a strain on your arm, so pound peppercorns out while the Saints pound the Raiduhs. 
2. Do most of your grocery shopping this weekend. I have no idea what is on your list other than my kiss, but most likely you are going to need a lot of butter, an extra box of Kosher salt, a few bottles of white wine both for drinking and cooking, kitchen twine, cream, bags of potatoes, parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme, a Simon and Garfunkel Box set. You get the idea. Get it now. By Tuesday, all those once a year buys will be tough to find.
3. That "really, super cute" Thanksgiving themed cocktail you found on the world wide web, is a world wide horrible idea. Set a bar, get some ice, and let grandma serve herself into oblivion. You need a bottle of bourbon, vodka, rum, and scotch, per person. To be safe. Get some mixers this weekend as well - orange juice, tonic, club soda, lemons and limes. 
4. There is a dish you think you have to make because everyone loves it. They don't. They are being nice.
5. If you are planning on frying your turkey, I feel real sorry for your guests. Instead, follow this recipe.  Frying a turkey is just a bad idea. Injecting your turkey is an even worse idea. Injecting than frying is what people do who cheer for the Falcons. Fact, a golden, roasted turkey was the original model for the Mona Lisa. Look it up if you don't believe me. 
6. Desserts you will spend far too much time worrying about; same goes for appetizers. Better Cheddar and a bowl of vanilla ice cream with a slice of pie is sufficient. 

Follow these rules and you will enjoy a Thanksgiving worthy of launching 400 plus years of tradition.